You’ll find my responses bulleted below. Stop reading here if you can’t handle intelligent response to mindless talking points.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
- Oh, thank goodness, we totally agree. We were trying to make it work for the sake of the country (because, of course, you remember what happened the last time we tested out the idea of secession), but we don’t think we can stand one more decade of your intolerance.
- Yes, because who on Earth would want to live in a society that encourages and promotes healthy debate of differing opinions so that we could create a more perfect union? That’s crazy, Thomas-Jefferson talk.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
1. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
- Yes, we’ll take those, because it’s true; we’d rather not place the highest tax burden on the people who make the least amount of money. So sue us.
- Both of which defend the Bill of Rights, the very definition of our democracy and what it truly means to be an American. So, great, we’ll take those.
- Ok, but can we make a few suggestions? You may want to try providing funding and support to the military; things like body armor, not requiring troops to complete three or more tours of duty in 5 years, and providing quality health care to returning veterans are pesky details, but may help contribute to your overall success.
- And are you sure that ALL of the soldiers and police officers would want to come with you? In the spirit of a fair custody discussion, you may want to discuss that with members of the Iraq Veterans Against the War or the Civilian-Soldier Alliance.
- Excellent. We’re sure that we will need clean air and water while we survive the trauma of this divorce.
- Oh, we get it, because they are all really fat. Ha, what an original joke. Luckily for them, we value a person’s intelligence and genuine desire to make the world a better place; so sure, we’ll keep them, too.
- Agreed. Good luck building a successful society whose members only worry about how to achieve the highest profit at the greatest risk to the health and well-being of the economy. We, with the bleeding hearts, will happily take the struggling working moms and those darn peace-loving hippies.
- Yes, please, please, PLEASE take Sarah Palin, PLEASE. You can also have Ted Nugent, Toby Keith, and Tony Hayward. (Although now that I think of it, Tony Hayward is British. Hmm, let’s see, then, you had better take Carly Fiorina.)
- While the Bible would be a useful reference tool, we don’t feel that being a Christian means you must follow it word-for-word (you know, since it was actually written by humans, and not Jesus or God.) And sure, we’ll take NBC and Hollywood; we know you’re not much into the arts and developing the creative side of the brain, so they would probably be happier with us anyway.
- Yes, try your “hammering” theory, and let us know if that helps to keep your enemies from threatening your security. We are going to continue to try that crazy socialist idea of “diplomacy” and follow the silly Christian value called “loving thy neighbor as yourself,” just to see if that helps with feelings of animosity.
- We guess that means we will just have to get better at practicing religious tolerance; it’s funny, we seem to remember another country that was founded by people seeking religious freedom…
- Yes, yes, we get it. You like to guzzle gas. I thought we already covered that we would take bio-diesel and natural gas, anyway. And besides, those Suburu’s have lots of cargo space.
- A luxury, huh? Gee, I sure hope none of your middle-class grandkids get sick. But not to worry, we already determined that we were taking all those poor people (and their poor, sick drain-on-the-economy children), so you won’t have to be bothered by their annoying insistence that they be given the option of healthcare they can afford. We are going to keep working on the ideal that when you live in the richest country in the world, you should be able to receive healthcare without having to declare bankruptcy.
- Actually, yes, we are happy with those songs.
- “Imagine all the people, sharing life in peace.” (Ok, good.)
- Kum By Ya, a song translated to mean “Come by me, Lord,” communicating a wish for spiritual unity. (Yep, that one sounds good to us, too.
- “It’s true we’ll make a better day, just you and me.” (Really, you don’t want that song? Sounds nice to us.)
- We are not so much concerned with things trickling up or down; we are mostly going to try to close the Grand-Canyon-sized gap that has opened between upper and lower classes. Please note that you will still need some grunt laborers over there in your Utopic society, and we are pretty sure they won’t want to work two jobs for pay that won’t pay their bills or for their health insurance. (You know, if you allow them to have any health insurance.)
- Ok, if you must. It’s our experience that the people who make the biggest point of waving the flag or wearing its likeness on their lapels are the ones that value the ideals of the Constitution the least, anyway.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
- Yes, we had better. We don’t think they would like living with you, anyway. You’re not very much fun.
- Can’t think of any reason we would need to call, but thanks for letting us know.