Friday, December 5, 2008

Auld Lang Syne

2008 - Good year or bad year?

I heard this "survey" on the radio this morning from some DJs that are not always my favorite, but sometimes they get it right. The radio callers listed their reasons for having a good or bad year, and I noticed that there were a lot more bads than goods, which was comforting for some reason. (Why does misery love company, I wonder?)

Anyway, I thought this was a great question, and I one I have never seriously considered in any year of my life. Maybe it is resonating for me this year because I can definitely answer NO.

It has not been a great year. There have been moments of being kicked while I was down. If I gave my list over the radio, it would probably sound made-up, hyperbolized for entertainment value. But no, lots of bad things have happened this year. The worst is this feeling of being lost and bewildered. I am not sure when it started, but I can't seem to clear the fog from my head so I can figure out where I am going.

I am not actually going to make my list. It is not necessary. But I do know that the prospect of a clean slate in 2009 is inspiring hope. I am anticipated the change of the calendar. Things have got to get better.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Did I Miss the Day They Taught This in Kindergarten?

Do you ever just feel blind-sided by your life? There are times I am driving home from work, and I have a moment where it feels like I am waking up from napping too long, groggy and cranky and headachey, and I realize...this is IT. This is my life. This is how it's playing out. Did I really decide to be here? Did I consciously make decisions that got me to this point in my life? I can't clearly remember it, but somehow it has all become this big jumble.

So here it is. This is the blog of an overachiever who feels like she had done everything BUT achieve since she graduated from college. I went from being organized, "with it," sharp, witty, on track, goal-oriented, to this...FLAKE. I am a flake. The worst part is that I used to hate flakes! I spoke badly of them whenever they were not around, and here I am, a classic flake!!! Instead of being in charge, I feel like am barely keeping up. I am the kid in the back of the class trying to keep up with the algebra lesson for the day, still trying to figure out what we learned the day before. Day late, dollar short. I should have probably named my blog with that phrase. It's one of my favorites because it always feels so true. My showing up for the big test without any sharpened #2 pencils. Sorry for all of the school-related analogies, but sadly, that was the last time in my life when I felt successful, like I was making progress.

This is my intro message. I will be blogging about my feelings and experiences as a 29 year old woman with a job but no clear career path, in a long-term relationship with no hint of a legal committment, who is helping her boyfriend raise his 8-year-old son with no idea what she is doing or how it sometimes brings out the worst in me.

I used to be an example to others for motivation, brightness, potential. Now, I am a flake.

Are you like me? Do you feel like you missed the day in school where they taught you how to keep it all together, how to balance it all, how to know where to go when you don't know where you going? I feel like I aced all of my classes, but missed the real lesson.