Text Twist, Spider Solitaire, and Numbing Out

So over the past 5 years, I have had three jobs where I just don't have enough to do.  (How does this keep happening?  That is a blog for another day.)  At the outset of each of these positions, I have great intentions.  I read intranet sites, ask lots of questions, walk around my department offering my services and talents to help out my far-busier co-workers.  But after about 3 months of this, I start to lose interest.  I get apathetic and kind of angry.  I feel like I am in some social experiment to test mental endurance for total boredom.  The more hours I sit in a cubicle with nothing to do, while watching and listening to my co-workers scurrying about and complaining of their work load, the lower, the more inadequate, the more useless I feel.  And as many people do when they are feeling down about their life and their general value to the world, I reach for a substance to drown out the pain and doubt.  My drug of choice?  Online games.

Now when I say online games, I am not talking World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons, not that those games aren't lovely and entertaining.  No, my particular brands are word challenges, puzzles, and solitaire.  My far too idle brain latches onto them like a lifeline because they provide stimulation and entertainment, two excellent ways to survive a day filled with boredom.  Each time I solve a difficult puzzle, figure out the seven letter word amidst the jumble of letters, or finally win a game of Spider Solitaire, I feel a sense of accomplishment.  After all, aren't puzzles and games used in nursing homes all the time to keep aging minds fresh and active?  It's the same concept.  I'll keep myself from totally fading away by pumping word jumbles and spatial reasoning puzzles into my system. 

And then the games start to become a problem.  I can't stop.  My eyes glaze over and my contacts crystalize and start prickling painfully, but I have to play until I win.  When I can't win a puzzle or find that darned seven-lettered word in Text Twist, I get frustrated and irritated.  By the end of a day nearly filled with this, I end up feeling worse about myself, because when someone asks "how was work today?" all I could really say is, "I played 25 games of Spider Solitaire and never won."  Just like any addiction, the initial rush and relief that my drug provided fades away to reveal my problems are still here.  All I am doing is numbing out.

Of course, there are other substances.  I choose to watch mindless TV far too often than reading a book or listening to music.  I regularly check celebrity gossip websites and read every US Weekly I can.  Sometimes, I will even choose to go to bed early just to escape the boredom.  Any distraction will do, as long as I don't have to really deal with my problems.

It's scary to look my problems in the face, because the only way any of them will be solved is by me, and ONLY me.  I panic and feel paralyzed, because despite my boredom, my day job pays the bills.  The status quo is getting me by.  If I try to make the big changes I know that I need, it might get worse.  I might make even more terrible mistakes or end up more alienated.  So instead of working through the pain to find the answer and the relief, I walk to the laptop that is always set up on my kitchen table, and start up another game of Spider Solitaire.

But lately, I have been starting to wake up from this sleepwalking.  I have felt stirrings of some of my old confidence, found a new interest in the things that have always inspired me, like great books, music, and political debate.  This blog, in fact, is one example of my soul fighting back against the numb.  The old me is still in here, I have just been smothering her out of fear of the unknown, fear of mistakes, fear of veering off the straight and narrow path and trying something new.  Even just writing that brought a little flutter of panic to my tummy.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Deep breath. 

I am not saying that we don't all need to escape sometimes.  We do.  Life can be heavy, and who doesn't need to sit down now and again and say, time to rest, time to check out?  It is healthy to do that once in awhile.  But we can't use those things as an alternative to living.  As someone who has checked out far too much in the last two years, let me tell you that waking up from that is rough.  It's like taking a 2 hour afternoon nap when you meant to sleep for 20 minutes.  But now, that the initial grogginess has passed, I feel kind of energized.  Even fear and panic are better than numbness, because I can feel them, and feeling them means I am alive and ready for what's to come.